i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
soo... how was my night?
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