how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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