You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
