Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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