You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
