i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
