I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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