this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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