Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
