This is not my ceiling
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
