The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
