plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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