I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
