just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
