my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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