ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
