I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
