you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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