He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
