I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
