My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
His hands were made for my vagina.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
