i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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