So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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