Hey man sorry I got all grabby
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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