I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
