and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
