I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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