People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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