but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Randomize
