I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
