The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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