Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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