I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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