I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
