Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
