Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
