Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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