you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
