I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
