I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
