im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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