If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
