What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
