doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
