New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
