if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
P.S. I can't hear my feet
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
