I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
