pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
How naked do you want me to be?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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