I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
