I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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