when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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