if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
